Heavy is the Head S5, Ep1
Welp. The season four finale ended with Liv and Fitz smacking lips, so it was only fitting for the season five premiere to begin with them smacking lips…and hips. They were bumping and grinding, knocking boots, humping around, and whatever other term you can think of that’s more politically correct than straight-up “boning.” (Y’all thought I was gon’ say the f-word. Not yet. Maybe next week.) Liv looked super cute wearing Fitz’s Navy t-shirt, giving me Adina Howard realness.
Meanwhile, Sally was being her hater self, speculating that something fishy was going on in the White House and she wouldn’t sleep until she found out what it was. I wish she would find a man who actually likes women to occupy some of her idle time. Have a seat, Sally, on someone. I bet you’ll find your happy place.
So. There was a party at the White House. Liv and Fitz stood in the hall and smooched before entering separately. From across the room, though, they gave each other googly eyes and it was friggin’ adorable. Everyone was wondering where Mellie was. Not therrre!
The Scandal: Princess Emily from Iowa married Prince Richard of Caledonia. (Go girl!) She and Olivia had a conversation about people talking smack on her like she’s not a real person. In fact, she said, “To them I’m not human. I’m just a spectacle.” Lemme tell you. That line spoke to my entire soul as I’ve been telling my close friends that I feel the same way lately. So basically, at that moment, Emily and I were BFFs.
Just as soon as our friendship started, it ended. Olivia got a call and rushed to the scene of a horrible car accident. Who did she find dead on the ground? Princess Emily. Olivia rushed to cover her up, but not before paparazzi snapped photos of her corpse. The prince and Mama Queen wanted those photos, and it was Liv and Quinn’s job to get them back.
Something wasn’t quite right, though. Liv put David on the case, and he confirmed that the princess was murdered. Who did it? Who was in the car with her when she died? Who was she spending most of her time with prior to her death? Oh, that would be her bodyguard. And turns out the princess was pregnant at the time of her passing.
So did Prince Richard have her killed because he found out about them?
Back to our regular peeps…
Mellie was getting ready to be sworn in. You know, she was getting ready to be the next senator of Virginia. But first, she needed to call Elizabeth the Traitor in to give her a good ol’ monoread (monologue + read). To paraphrase, she was like, “Bitch, I made you! How dare you betray me?! I’m Mellie!” The Scandal writers didn’t disappoint when it came to giving us the reads we live for on this show. So that means they came extra hard with Elizabeth’s response. Paraphrasing again, she was like, “Girl, bye. Betraying you would mean I was once loyal to you and you to me; and I don’t think you’ve ever been loyal to anything.We weren’t friends or partners.” Real dialogue: “I was your bitch.” But no more, damnit! Whew! Tell her, namesake! #Portia
If that wasn’t enough, she also broke the news that Mr. President would not be attending her ceremony because he had better things to do. Oop.
Liv convinced stubborn Fitz to go to Mellie’s swearing-in. He went, but didn’t tell anyone – including Abby who found out during the press conference at which she was making up reasons why he couldn’t attend. Mellie was tickled that he showed and thanked him in her office. She thought it was a step toward reconciliation. *cough* No, ma’am. Fitz handed her divorce papers, and all I heard was Usher. When she threatened to fight him, he warned her that it could get ugly. He reminded her that he’d crossed off his bucket list item of being president, so she could air his dirty laundry if she wanted to. She, however, was just getting started. He could snatch her career before she received her first box of business cards. If memory serves me right, he said, “Your biggest accomplishment is waving and smiling.”
No more words, Mellie. He’s only interested in your signature. Sign the gawtdamn papers.
Elizabeth witnessed an argument between Liv and Fitz and tells Abby it seemed like a lover’s quarrel. They figured out that Liv convinced him to attend Mellie’s ceremony and Abby was in her feelings because Liv didn’t tell her about it or that she was doing the grown-folks with Fitz again.
The princess death scandal was resolved when the queen admitted to Olivia that she had Emily killed. She smirked as she told Liv that she couldn’t go to the authorities due to their nondisclosure agreement. Their agreement didn’t apply to the prince, though. Prince Richard told Mama Queen to abdicate the throne and disappear. He didn’t want to see her until her funeral.
When Liv returned to the White House, Abby interrupted her and Fitz’s quality time and rushed them to the television. Surprise! Sally was on her show outing them to the world. The president is having an affair with Olivia Pope!
Lawd. When I tell you my nerves were bad…
- Huck is having a spell again. He was sleeping on Liv’s couch for days or however long and wanted her to fix him. She told him that’s not her department.
- Liv still hasn’t replaced that couch. The wine-stained cushion is gone, though. I noticed.
- Someone needs to start a GoFundMe campaign so supporters can buy Mellie some self-esteem.
- I think Abby and Elizabeth leaked Liv’s presence in the White House. Heffas.
I can’t wait until next week! Tune in Thursdays at 9 pm EST!