Twelve Years a Failure?

S2, Ep3 Shaquille O’Neal Motors

It was Louis and Jessica’s 12th wedding anniversary, and Louis wanted to recreate the magic that happened on their wedding night. That’s right. It was goin’ down. He was going to take her someplace special and give her a ride she wouldn’t forget. Watch out there now!

He took her to…

…wait for it…

…buy a new car at Shaq Motors!!!

womp-womp

See, they spent their wedding night at a car dealership buying a vehicle, and Louis thought since their car was falling apart, what better day to purchase a new one than their anniversary? Um. K. Who am I to judge? If that’s how they want to celebrate; if that’s how they want to turn up; so be it. Jessica’s not big on surprises, though. *Flashback to the time Louis tried to surprise her at the restaurant and she punched the first dude she saw in the face. That clip was hilarious.*

This time she kept her hands to herself, but disappeared before Louis could introduce her to the car salesman. Louis found her in a lesbian bar – her favorite – where she confessed that she messed up their wedding night the first time. She didn’t negotiate well enough and they ended up not getting floor mats with their car. (Stay with me. This stuff is important to her. Jessica is a top-notch negotiator. She could convince a blind man to trade his cane for a non-braille book.) So basically she felt like she’d let the hubby down on day one. Louis is offended and walks out because that is pretty absurd. He gave zero damns about being floor mat-less (<– new word).

As an apology, Jessica bought Louis flowers. That’s a big deal. She doesn’t believe in wasting her money on something that is going to die. He takes her outside to see the car he bought. He bragged to her that he bought it at sticker price. Ohhhhh no. Why did he tell her that? (Because he was actually setting her up.)

Oh, no sir. Jessica told him they were taking that car right back to Shaq Motors. How dare he not negotiate the price?! She stormed into the dealership showroom with Louis. They were there to make a return, and yes, she was dead-ass serious. The confused salesman watched as Louis pointed out to Jessica that she had overcome her fear of returning to the dealership. His plan worked. Wedding Day PTSD cured! So now, she was ready to buy. She wanted the same car, but Confused Salesman was gonna have to give them a discount. It was a used car, so it should be cheaper. So what if it wasn’t even used for a whole day? And guess what else? She needed to test drive it before making her final decision.

Confused Salesman was looking like WTF?????? Discount my ass! I cannot and will not sell you this car again with a lower price tag. These determined fools took him on a test drive to Tampa, an hour and a half away and showed him the brand spankin’ new ’96 models that were about to be shipped off. The mere arrival of the new vehicles would make salesmen lower the price of the ’95s because they needed to get them off the lot. BOOM. He still said no. Okay. Cool. They wanted to see his manager.

fob2

Faux Manager 1:

Jessica calls him out, saying he couldn’t be the manager. The nameplate on his desk was too shiny, and he still had a Post-It note to remind him to dial 9 for outside calls. Bless his newbie heart. Next! They wanted to speak with his manager.

Faux Manager 2:

This lady said nothing they wanted to hear. They gave her the silent treatment and pulled out snacks. Bish, bye. They wanted to speak with her manager. She was tickled, saying the silent treatment didn’t scare her. She lost the staring contest with them quickly. Next!

Faux Manager 3:

This time, they just scared the hell out of the man, pretending to argue in Chinese. Really, they were talking about dinner. THAT was hilarious.

They ended up in Shaq’s office. Now HE is the manager. Jessica still talked her shit. She still wanted a deal. Shaq gave in. They negotiated the car for a lower price AND got some fuzzy dice. YAHTZEE!!! As a bonus, they walked out with one of Shaq’s shoes – autographed – for Eddie. (He sold the shoe and used the money to get Evan’s Beanie Babies back that he hocked without permission. He wanted to get a Slip N’ Slide- esque contraption called a Hot Dogger, and Evan’s collectibles turned out to be worth major coinage. it made me sad to see Evan sad, but at least he was happy in the end. Way to be a stand-up big brother, Eddie.)

Anyhoo, they ended up with what Jessica will always love and appreciate: a bargain. She redeemed herself and had not failed her husband after all.

Also:

  • The mere mention of Pert Plus gave me LIFE. #90s
  • Shaq still can’t act.
  • Constance Wu never disappoints me in her role as Jessica. We haven’t seen a no nonsense TV mom like her in years.
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